Sunday, April 5, 2009

Skin deep

I think I'm officially getting old. My birthday is tomorrow, and I'm feeling my age. Even though I'm still in my 30s, 40 is right around the corner! I really need to take better care of myself.

Lately, I noticed a disturbing pattern in the ads and coupons I clipped from magazines. Many of them promoted skin care products:
  • Garnier Nutritioniste Skin Renew Anti-Puff Eye Roller
    ("Massage away puffiness and dark circles")
  • Olay Regenerist Reversal Treatment Foam
    ("Some women nip and tuck. Others prefer the cutting edge.")
  • Olay Definity Deep Penetrating Foaming Moisturizer
    ("You could spend $2,000 for laser treatments to fight wrinkles and discoloration. Or you can bank on Olay Definity.")
  • Maybelline Instant Age Rewind Cream Foundation with Custom Coverage Applicator
    ("Rewind the years, instantly!")
  • Almay Bright Eyes
    ("A wake-up call for your eyes")
  • Neutrogena Mineral Sheers Liquid Makeup SPF 20
    ("Creates such a perfectly natural look, you'll wonder who did your makeup."

My friend Janet had been raving about a new skin care regimen she had been trying, so I decided to give it a shot. I headed to Target and examined the products in the skin care aisle. Overwhelmed by the choices, I called Janet. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: I don't know which one to get! Help!
Janet: It's OK. Just get the Olay Regenerist stuff.
Me: There's so much here. Should I get the Olay Regenerist Daily Regenerating Serum or the Olay Regenerist Deep Hydration Regenerating Cream?
Janet: No, don't get the Deep Hydration Regenerating Cream. Well, I mean, you can get it but I didn't like it. It was too heavy for me. You want the Olay Regenerist lotion that has sunscreen in it. You'll use that during the day.
Me: I don't see that. I see a whole bunch of other stuff. Do I want the Olay Total Effects 7-in-1 Anti-Aging UV Moisturizer?
Janet: No, not Total Effects. You want the Regenerist stuff.
Me: Well, I don't see what you're talking about. Do I want the one that is with Touch of Foundation?
Janet: NO. Don't get the Touch of Foundation. You want the Olay Regenerist lotion. It's kind of in a round container.
Me: I might get the Total Effects stuff too. It has "7 anti-aging therapies in 1 vitamin rich moisturizer" and is "for visibly younger-looking, even toned skin".
Janet: Hmm, OK, but that's not the one I'm talking about.
Me: Wait! I think I've got it! Is it the Olay Regenerist UV Defense Regenerating Lotion?
Janet: Yeah!
Me: Yeah!

I hope this works.


beseechingbethany said...

LMAO. I have had similair conversations with you while you were standing in the toy isle at Target.
You: Does he have the Lego Star Wars The Clone Wars Droid Gun Ship?
Me: Yes
You: What about the Lego Star Wars The Clone Wars Clone Walker Battle Pack?
Me: Nope. That'll be fine.

janeto said...

Um, I remember it a little differently. Here is my version of what REALLY happened:
The kids had just gone to bed. Not sleeping, but subdued after the nightly rave that is known as kiddie bedtime around my place. It was a full three hours since I’d arrived home from work and I was just starting to think about maybe, I don’t know, taking off my ID badge, when Tom handed me the phone. His “It’s Lisa” could never have prepared me for the emotional beauty aid roller coaster ride I was about to take.
“Hi. You’ve got to help me. I’m at Target and they’re about to close and I’m trying to buy this Olay Regenerist stuff but I didn’t know they make, like, a million different kinds.”
Me, springing to my feet, pacing like a drill sergeant: “OK, look around. What do you see?”
Lisa: “It’s like a wall of lotions. How can they make this many different kinds?”
Me: “You want the Regenerist Lotion. It will say daytime or something and it comes in a round bottle with lots of black packaging. But don’t get the night cream. You don’t want the night cream.”
Lisa: “Round? Round? I don’t see anything round. Are you talking about the touch of foundation?”
Me: “Touch of foundation? No. Definitely not. And it’s not the one that’s little with a curvy kind of bottle. It should just be their basic Regenerist.”
Lisa: “There’s no such thing as a basic one! I don’t see anything round!”
Me: “Let me go look on the Internet.”
I go down two flights of stairs to the rec room in the basement where our computer is. Tom, who had been in the bedroom with me after handing me the phone, pretending not to listen, must have thought there was some kind of emergency at first by the decibel level. Now he is just laughing as my pseudo-emergency requires an online search.
I get to the computer.
Lisa keeps asking questions: “Is it in a red bottle? Is it the serum? Touch of foundation?”
Me: “No touch of foundation. Walk away from the touch of foundation!”
I’m scrolling around, hearing ATTENTION TARGET TEAM MEMBERS from time to time in the background. I find Deep Hydrating Lotion, which seems to be the only thing that looks like the one I bought. Then I have to make a confession.
Me: “Actually, I haven’t used this in a while. It made my skin break out.”
Lisa: “Break out? Well then what are you using?”
Me: “This stuff from Eucerin in a pink bottle. Q20. But you can’t get it at Target”
Lisa, sounding very overwhelmed, maybe even dizzy: “Q20…Q20.”
Me: “You can only get it at Rite Aid in Woodmere and I don’t think it’s worth the drive for you. Besides, you’ve been talking about this for a while. I think you should do the Regenerist.”
With the gravity of NASA engineers guiding a space arm to fix some kind of super-important machinery on the International Space Station, Lisa searches until she finds the right bottle. Even though I am not physically there, I feel like I’m part of something big.
The next day I call Lisa. “So how many years younger do you look.?
Lisa: “What?”
Me: “You’ve had the lotion for one day. How many years younger has it made you look?”
Lisa: “Oh, I haven’t even tried it yet.”

Claire said...

Dude, just make sure to get fragrance-free with anything Olay. They packaged a regular night cream as a bonus with my fragrance free SPF 15 Total Effects (I think). Why would you put the stinky stuff as a bonus for someone who is buying fragrance free? What I am coveting is the Bliss "Youth as We Know It" miracle moisturizer for five million dollars at or Sephora. The reviews are off the hook!

Lisa said...

Hilarious. Thanks, Bethany, Janet and Claire!